(Originally appeared in my newsletter Sense and Psychotherapy, Fall 2001)
I find amazing the variety of emotions my clients experience as they talk about their siblings. Even the most loving and supportive relationships are complex, multilayered affairs, built upon years of interaction, with subtle, and not-so-subtle effects lasting a lifetime. With child clients, for instance, I often take note of how they express their feelings and perceptions in the sand tray and in their art. With adult clients, we’ll talk about the many ways they re-enact their sibling roles. There is no key to unlock the mysteries of our sibling relationships, but we can achieve a greater measure of peace with our sisters and brothers simply by consciously examining the dynamics involved.
Many of us struggle with the intense complexity of our feelings for our siblings well into middle age and beyond. We can love, hate, fear and adore them, all at the same time. Just hearing that tone in a brother’s or sister’s voice on the telephone can make us feel ten years old again. For many of my clients, holidays are an extremely anxiety-provoking time, and we spend many sessions after family gatherings processing all the interactions. There’s so much history between siblings that a word or two, even the smallest gesture, can trigger waves of memory and emotion buried for years.
One way to appreciate the impact of sibling relationships is to consider how strongly entrenched are the roles that we played as children in our families. My clients regularly describe family gatherings that seemingly could have occurred ten, twenty, even thirty years ago: the oldest child taking charge and ordering everyone around, the youngest clowning and playing with the kids. Often, we replay our sibling roles in completely different settings as well, with spouses, friends and even our co-workers. Our childhood interaction patterns are “normal”, and we gravitate toward situations where we can recreate them.
Through middle age, we tend to have less contact with our brothers and sisters. We form our own families, develop careers, get absorbed in our own lives. As we grow older and glimpse our own mortality, many of us begin to re-establish our relationships with our siblings. Illness or death of a parent often brings long-separated siblings together. Long-buried resentments between siblings can resurface and manifest themselves in bitter quarrels over possessions and money (though these are rarely the real issues). With effort and good will though, this can also be a time when reconnection and grief can bring new insights and heal old wounds.
When I talk with clients about sibling relationships, we discuss past and present interactions, explore patterns of behavior, and examine specific memories. For many clients, this process evokes deep emotions, and we have to work through these before they can begin to see both their siblings, and themselves, in a more realistic light. There’s no denying that our siblings exert a powerful influence over our lives. A greater awareness of, and sense of control over, our interactions with them leaves us better able to experience the joys, and avoid the pain, that siblings can bring to us every day, whether they’re with us or not.
