(Originally appeared in Sense and Psychotherapy, Winter 2001)
Rituals affect us on many different levels. Although we often tend to focus on large, highly symbolic or religious rituals, there are many different kinds of ritualized behaviors we engage in throughout our lives. Participating in public rituals, whether grand, public spectacles, or small, quiet affairs, allows us to collectively recognize important times and give meaning to what has occurred. Small, private rituals, on the other hand, create a sense of comfort and familiarity that adds stability to our lives and help us through difficult periods. During particularly challenging periods for my clients, for instance, I often suggest they design their own rituals as a way of creating meaning and order amidst the chaos they are experiencing. This may be an act as simple as lighting a candle and breathing in a moment of silence.
We’re all familiar with the most common public rituals, such as showers, weddings, and graduations. Many rituals help clarify for all the rights, privileges, and responsibilities associated with the major transitions in our lives. These rituals help create a sense of shared purpose and connection between community members. Often, they also offer instruction on “proper” behavior during significant events.
Private, individual rituals comfort us and give meaning to the inexplicable. This is especially true during periods of loss and grief. Although we have generally recognized rituals surrounding the death of a loved one, such as sending flowers and cards, visiting the funeral home, and memorial services, we rarely give thought to developing rituals when we experience the other losses in our lives. Sometimes burning, burying, or throwing away a symbolic item associated with the loss can help free us to move forward through our pain and begin to heal.
We often fail to recognize the importance of all the little rituals we develop in our daily lives until we no longer engage in them, and suddenly feel a vague sense of unexplainable loss. By developing a greater awareness of our ritualistic behaviors, we are more likely to appreciate the ways they add comfort, security and depth to our days.
Under some conditions, ritualized behavior can be taken to extremes. Those who suffer from obsessive-compulsive tendencies are plagued with the need to perform a series of prescribed behaviors, and when this is interfered with, they experience extreme distress. Although most of us are able to get through the day if our rituals are interrupted, we all experience a certain level of discomfort and it may take us a while to feel back to normal.
As our lives become ever more hectic and disjointed, we tend to forget the comfort and richness that rituals provide. It is precisely during times of uncertainty and stress that we need these rituals the most. We are protected and strengthened when we engage in the numerous, often unthought-about rituals that are woven through our lives. We hold the power to not only resurrect traditional rituals, but also to create new ones. I believe it is important to give ourselves the permission and the time to recognize large and small events of our lives in a manner that honors who we are and what is happening.
