(This is an adaptation of an article that originally appeared in Verdadera, a student run publication at Monta Vista High School in Cupertino, CA, April 2009)

What is self image?

Self image is how you perceive yourself. It is made up of numerous impressions, experiences and reactions. Our self image is closely related to and influenced by, but is not the same thing as our self-esteem. Self-esteem is how we feel about ourself. How we see ourself impacts us on a number of different levels. If we view ourselves as lacking, incompetent, or insignificant, our self confidence is going to be low and our sense of self worth damaged. The manner in which we carry ourselves, approach novel situations, and cope with life’s challenges are all directly affected by our self image.

I keep thinking about the children’s story of the Ugly Duckling. The ugly duckling’s self image was that he was different from the other ducklings, and this difference was defined as ‘ugly’ by the other ducklings. He came to see himself as ugly, (his self image) and he felt lonely, sad and of less value or importance than the other ducklings. His self esteem plummeted, and he hid from the other ducklings. It was not until time went by and he grew up that he saw other swans. He still saw himself as different from the other ducks, but now the difference had taken on a whole new meaning, and as his perception changed, his feelings also underwent a transformation.

How self image develops

How we perceive ourselves is strongly influenced by how others perceive us. If we are fortunate enough to be born into a family that wants us and sees us as a wonderful new addition to be loved, nurtured and treasured, we have a much better foundation upon which a positive, healthy self image can build. As we go through infancy and childhood, we are deeply impacted by the messages, both overt and subtle, that we receive from our parents and siblings. Through their words, tone of voice, expressions, and actions, they are consciously and unconsciously defining and labeling us. We are told we are good or bad, smart or dumb, weak or strong, bookish or rambunctious, reliable or irresponsible, a neat freak or a slob, lazy or ambitious.

The school environment adds another level of complexity to the development of our self image. So much depends upon how well we fit in. Our teachers send us signals about our intellectual abilities, our appearance, our behavior.. The other students want to be our friend or shun us, they like our clothes or mock our style. We see ourselves as smart when the answers come easily or stupid when we can’t seem to grasp it. Our athletic skills, our grades, our actions, and our social skills are all compared, contrasted with, and judged by the group.

At the same time, we have to consider what nature has endowed us with. We are all born with our own particular body, brain, and basic temperament. Some people are just naturally more resilient and less negatively impacted by the effects of external messages, while others are much more sensitive and damaged by how they are treated by people and events.

By the time we are adults, the foundation for how we see ourselves is set and for some people doesn’t really change much over the years. However, for most of us, our self image can and does go through shifts, alterations, and sometimes even dramatic transformations. I have a client who I have worked with for several years. She came to me struggling with an image of herself as incompetent, unattractive and unable to make friends. She described growing up with very critical parents. They moved around a lot and it was difficult for her to make friends. She did poorly academically and she was compared to her academically talented siblings and labeled a slow learner by her parents as well as the schools.

By the time she walked into my office, she was desperately lonely and felt trapped in a life of quiet despair. Through a lot of hard work and numerous setbacks, over the years she has been able to redefine her self image and now sees herself as competent, intelligent, and a good mother to her children. She started taking classes in child development at a local community college to help with her understanding of her children. She was astonished to discover that she actually did well and went on to receive her Bachelors degree, and go on to a successful, fulfilling career. She no longer sees herself as stupid or slow, and has found ways to better her relationship with her (still overly critical, demeaning) mother.

Reactions to teens’ stories

I am saddened, but not really surprised by how many adolescent girls I talk with who are distressed by the shape/size of their bodies. We live in a culture that places a huge emphasis on physical appearances, with a narrowly defined range of what is considered attractive. For a variety of reasons, it is easy to succumb to the notion that our body image is our most important feature, while it really is only one part of who we are.

I am once again drawn to the thoughts of the ugly duckling. I can’t help but think about how it would have been for him if he had been born near a pond with a wide diversity of other birds all around. He could have seen that baby birds came in all sizes, shapes and colors. Some swam, some flew, and each had their distinctive voice. But all were loved, valued and had a contribution to make to the community. Maybe he wouldn’t have had to go through the trauma of feeling ridiculed and unlovable.

Ways to improve a negative/poor self image

My client was able to make such a marked improvement in her self image because she really wanted to and she worked hard at it. Therapy was very helpful for many reasons; it helped her see, examine, challenge, and ultimately discard old messages and replace them with a more accurate, realistic sense of who she really is. It gave her the support she needed to take risks, and provided her with a reality check on her progress. Meditation, exercise, and school were also part of the formula for her. While psychotherapy may not be the answer for everyone, the desire to improve your self image is a key ingredient in viewing yourself in a more positive, healthy, and realistic light. There are many websites and self-help books that provide suggestions on improving your self image and self esteem.

Here’s a brief list of some things you can do to alter your view of yourself:

• Practice positive thinking – first pay attention to your internal thoughts to identify the negative messages you’re giving yourself. Then come up with positive self messages that counter and oppose the bad self talk.
• Focus on the positive – stop obsessing about your negative traits and find ways to highlight what’s good about yourself.
• Give self compliments – start each day with a compliment or expression of gratitude. Put post-it’s with self affirming statements on your mirror where you’ll see them each day.
• Build in success – put yourself in situations in which you can do well and feel good about.
• Foster positive relationships – find people who appreciate you for who you are, who care about your feelings, thoughts, and dreams. Avoid those who pull you down.
• Seek support – don’t do it all alone. You’re not the only one struggling with whatever your issues are, talk to others.
• Get help – if you’re dealing with significant issues like depression, anxiety, eating disorders, substance abuse, self-injurious thoughts and behaviors, etc. talk with an adult who can help you get the professional assistance you need.