(Originally appeared in my online newsletter Sense and Psychotherapy (February 2010)

As a psychotherapist in private practice, I end up thinking about money many times a day, whether I want to or not, especially at this time of year when I’m gathering everything together to complete my taxes. Even when I’m not focused on my own finances, issues about money come up frequently in therapy. Part of what makes money such a common topic is that in some ways it permeates every level of our lives: our feelings about ourselves, our closest relationships, the communities we are a part of, and the society we live in. My clients bring their disappointments, fears, and hopes about their financial situations to our sessions. As we struggle to make sense of seemingly irrational behaviors, beliefs, and decisions around their earning, saving, and spending money, together we explore the role money plays in their lives and the impact it has on their relationships.

The Psychology of Money

To begin with, we can think about the individual psychology of money – our own personal issues associated with it. What does it mean to us in terms of power, security, need fulfillment, status, self-esteem, etc.? Money affects our interpersonal dynamics; how does money, or the lack of it, affect the marital relationship, the parent/child relationship, the family as a whole? Money is used in relationships to express or represent love, power, rebellion, autonomy, connection, revenge, desire. Who controls the money in the family; is it based on gender, earnings, financial acumen? How does this control influence the individuals involved?

In her book The Secret Meaning of Money, Cloe’ Madanes recommends asking yourself the following questions to gain a better understanding of your own issues with money:

• What is the secret meaning of money in your family?
• What and how much do you want?
• Why do you want it?
• Is it for yourself or to give it to others?
• Who owes whom?
• Who is responsible for what?

I’d add a few questions of my own to this list:

• How do you decide how much is enough?
• Is there ever too much?
• How have your ideas about money changed over the years?
• How was money handled when you were a little kid? How is it different now?
• What do you think of people who have a lot more money than you do? A lot less?
• How are your views about money influenced by your culture? Your gender? Your age?

The Impact on Community

Taking a wider view, and a more sociological perspective, we can think about the effects of money on a large group, such as a school community. While some schools, especially small neighborhood schools, may be composed of families within the same general socioeconomic level, in many others the students come from a wide range of economic levels. Young children may not be aware of the differences of their family’s financial status, but as they grow older, they begin to notice and by the time they arrive at high school, teens are very conscious of these differences.

Since teens are constantly measuring themselves against their peer group, money and how it is spent begins to play a much larger role in how they see themselves and their classmates. What happens when friends realize they have much more or much less than each other? How is the teacher/student interaction impacted by students whose families clearly are in a much higher income bracket than the teachers? What is it like for the families who simply cannot afford the costs associated with the expensive field trips, the fees involved in extracurricular activities, or the price of dance tickets?

Societal Issues

From an even wider societal perspective, we see that we live in a very acquisitive society, and we are constantly bombarded with the message that more equals better. From all sides, the media overtly and covertly informs us that newer, bigger, more improved “stuff” will make us happy. American teens now have more spending money than ever before and the marketing world is working hard to take advantage of this.

According to Susan Linn in “Commercializing Childhood: the Corporate Takeover of Kids’ Lives” in The Multinational Monitor (July/August, 2008):

In 1983, companies were spending about $100 million annually marketing to children, mostly on television. Today, they are spending about $17 billion, and there are so many more ways for them to target children.

The message that the latest, coolest item is necessary for happiness is clearly having a strong negative impact. Sadly, many children and teens, and even adults, live with the perception that in order to be “cool” or popular, they must have expensive brand-name clothes, phones, jewelry, games, cars, houses, etc.

Parenting Issues

It can feel overwhelming for a parent to try to help their children and adolescents navigate through this complicated subject. One of the first things to do is to get some level of clarity about your own beliefs, values, and issues about money. The more clear you are, the easier it is to help your kids sort through and understand these issues.
Suggestions for parents

• Be aware of the messages that you’re sending to your kids about money. Are your actions and statements consistent with your values and beliefs?
• Keep in mind that if you’re anxious about your finances, your children will pick up on your anxiety.
• Carefully consider how much reassurance and how much actual information they need from you.
• Think about how much is appropriate for your children to know about your financial situation. What you say to your seven year old is different than what you tell your seventeen year old.
• By the time your child graduates from high school, they should have an understanding of: how to open a bank account and how to reconcile a checkbook; how to calculate basic living expenses (groceries, utilities, rent, tuition, insurances, etc.); how to estimate the risks associated with credit cards and other loan instruments.
• If you are very generous in how much you give your children, consider saying “no” at times – they will never learn the value of money if it is always readily available.
• Remember you cannot buy your children’s favor with material goods – they need your love and attention much more than they need electronic devices, brand-name clothes, or big allowances.
• Talk with your kids about the advertising that they are subjected to on TV, Facebook, in magazines, etc.
• Explore with them the blatant and subtle messages (about race, gender, power, violence, etc.) embedded within their shows, websites, music, videos, etc.
• Know that while you cannot control everything they’re exposed to, you can help them think critically about what they encounter.

For Kids and Teens

• Remember that not everyone has access to the same amount of money that you do.
• Be aware that different families hold different values about money.
• Be sensitive to the fact that not everyone has enough cash to pay for recreation – find ways to have fun that don’t involve spending money.
• Keep in mind that you can never buy real friends – at best you rent companionship, and along the way you probably lose respect.
• Bragging about your latest acquisition doesn’t make you cool, it just makes you look like a braggart.
• Learn what is available to you – at many schools there are funds available for students who need extra assistance to participate in activities at the school. Talk with your guidance counselor for more information on what has been set aside for you.
• Try to remember that your worth as a person has nothing to do with how much money you or your family has.

The topic of money is a very complicated, multi-faceted subject. It is an inescapable part of our lives and affects us on many different levels, most of which we’re not even conscious of until we take time to reflect upon it. While many consider it to be one of the last taboos in our culture, it is very important that we examine our beliefs, values, and issues surrounding it.