(This is an adaptation of an article that originally appeared in Verdadera, a student publication at Monta Vista High School in Cupertino, CA, February 2010)
As a psychotherapist in private practice, I end up thinking about money many times a day, whether I want to or not. When I’m not worrying about how I will cover my myriad expenses, or haggling with insurance over reimbursements, I’m discussing fees with clients. Throughout the day, I listen to my clients’ disappointments, fears, and hopes about their financial situations. In their sessions, we struggle to make sense of seemingly irrational behaviors, beliefs, and decisions around their earning, saving, and spending money. We explore the role money plays in their lives and the impact it has on their relationships.

So, when the Verdadera staff asked me to write on the topic of money, my initial reaction was along the lines of… “oh, that’s an easy one, no problem coming up with things to say.” But, the more I’ve thought about it, the harder it’s been. The topic is so huge, there’s so many different ways to approach it, how do I narrow it down? Just think about all the words we use for money: cash, bucks, mulla, green, bread, dough, wealth, etc., as well as all the phrases, songs, and poems we have on the subject:

• Money changes everything
• Money is the root of all evil (the correct phrase actually is – the love of money is the root of all evil – attributed to Jesus in 1 Timothy)
• Penny wise, pound foolish
• A penny for your thoughts
• I’m Gettin’ Money – 2Pac
• Make Money By Any Means – 50 Cent
• Money (That’s What I Want) – Beatles
• You Never Give Me Your Money – Beatles
• Money Talks – AC-DC

To begin with, there is the individual psychology of money – our own personal issues associated with it; what does it mean to us in terms of power, security, need fulfillment, status, self-esteem, etc.? There is the role money takes in interpersonal dynamics; how does money, or the lack of it, affect the marital relationship, the parent/child relationship, the family as a whole? Money is used in relationships to express or represent love, power, rebellion, autonomy, connection, revenge, desire. Who controls the money in the family; is it based on gender, earnings, financial acumen, something else? How does this control influence the individuals involved? In the book The Secret Meaning of Money, Cloe’ Madanes recommends asking yourself the following questions to gain a better understanding of your own issues with money:

• What is the secret meaning of money in your family?
• What and how much do you want?
• Why do you want it?
• Is it for yourself or to give it to others?
• Who owes whom?
• Who is responsible for what?

I’d add a few questions of my own to this list:

• How much is enough?
• Is there ever too much?
• How have your ideas about money changed over the years?
• How was money handled when you were a little kid? How is it different now?
• What do you think of people who have a lot more money than you do? A lot less?
• How are your views about money influenced by your culture? Your gender? Your age?

Taking a wider lens, and a more sociological perspective, there are the effects of money on a large group, such as the MV community. As the parent of a MV student, the spouse of a MV teacher, and as a new member of the MV School Site Council, I have access to a number of differing perspectives concerning financial issues in the community. While it is clear that a large portion of the students at the school come from very wealthy families, it is not so obvious how wide a range there is in the socioeconomic status of the students at the school. What happens when friends realize they have much more or much less than each other? How is the teacher/student interaction impacted by students whose families clearly are in a much higher income bracket than the teachers? What is it like for the families who simply cannot afford the costs associated with the expensive field trips, the fees involved in extracurricular activities, or the price of dance tickets?

While listening to the read-through of the students’ submissions to this issue, I was not surprised to hear how many of the teens wrote about their growing awareness of the discrepancies between themselves and their friends, not just in amount of money available, but also in their values around spending, saving, and material goods. Many of those who wrote about having to work to earn spending money for themselves or to help their families sounded like they had been forced to think on a different level than their classmates who had always been given as much money as they wanted. A number of the students described how dramatically their families have been impacted by parents’ losing their jobs and the effects this is having on them.

From an even wider societal perspective, we live in a very acquisitive society, and we are constantly bombarded with messages to buy more stuff. From all sides, the media overtly and covertly reminds us that newer, bigger, more improved ‘stuff’ will make us happy. American teens have more spending money than ever before and the marketing world is working hard to take advantage of this.
According to Susan Linn in Commercializing Childhood: the Corporate Takeover of Kids’ Lives in The Multinational Monitor, July/August, 2008.
In 1983, companies were spending about $100 million annually marketing to children, mostly on television. Today, they are spending about $17 billion, and there are so many more ways for them to target children.

This is one of the reasons we severely limited our son’s exposure to television as a young child. This concern was validated when the daycare he was attending started allowing the children to watch TV. Within days, our son suddenly “needed” toys and cereals he’d never even heard about before. While he still has much more limited access to ‘screen’ time than most of his peers, he is still subjected to the pressure to have this or that gadget and to wear particular brands of clothing. He, along with the rest of us, is surrounded by powerful messages to buy, buy, buy.

This message that the latest, coolest item is necessary for happiness is clearly having a strong negative impact on many of the MV students. Sadly, several of the students’ submissions emphasized their perception that in order to be “cool” or popular, they had to have the expensive brand-name clothes, phones, jewelry, games, etc., to the point that a number of them have resorted to stealing in order to maintain the appearance of wealth. Many spoke of the absolute need for lots of money in order to be happy, to the point that one even sees it as “the single most important thing in life.” It is both sad and worrisome that so many of our children have taken this destructive message to heart.

Yet, you can also hear many of the students’ ambivalence about material possessions in their stories. Several of their stories show how they are grappling with the desire to be cool and have all the latest ‘stuff’, while at the same time knowing at a deeper level that this isn’t really what makes them happy. It is encouraging to note how many of the teens spoke of the value of real friends, the pride that comes with working hard and achieving their goals, and the realization that many of the best things in life really are free.
It can feel overwhelming for a parent to try to help their teen navigate through this complicated subject. One of the first things to do is to get some level of clarity about your own beliefs, values, and issues about money. The more clear you are, the easier it is to help your kids sort through and understand their own issues.

Suggestions for parents

• Be aware of the messages you’re sending to your kids about money – are your actions and statements consistent with your values and beliefs?
• Keep in mind that if you’re anxious about your finances, your children will pick up on your anxiety. Carefully consider how much reassurance and how much actual information they need from you.
• Think about how much is appropriate for your children to know about your financial situation. What you say to your seventeen year old is different than what you tell your fourteen year old.
• By the time your teen graduates, they should have an understanding of:
• how to open a bank account and how to reconcile a checkbook
• the basic costs of living expenses – groceries, utilities, rent, tuition, insurances, etc.
• the risks associated with credit cards
• If you have been very generous in how much you give your children, consider saying ‘no’ at times – they will never learn the value of money if it is always readily available.
• Remember you cannot buy your children’s love with material goods – they need your love and attention much more than they need electronic devices, brand-name clothes, or big allowances.
• Talk with your kids about the advertising that they are subjected to on TV, Facebook, in magazines, etc. Explore with them the blatant and subtle messages embedded within their shows, websites, music, videos, etc.

Suggestions for teens

• Remember that not everyone at Monta Vista has access to the same amount of money.
• Be aware that different families hold different values about money.
• Be sensitive to the fact that not everyone has enough cash to pay for recreation – find ways to have fun that don’t involve spending money.
• Keep in mind that you can never buy real friends – at best you rent companionship, and along the way you probably lose respect.
• Bragging about your latest acquisition doesn’t make you cool, it just makes you a braggart.
• Learn what is available to you – there are school funds available for students who need extra assistance to participate in activities at the school. Talk with your guidance counselor for more information on what has been set aside for you.
• Try to remember that your worth as a person has nothing to do with how much money you or your family has.
• The topic of money is a very complicated, multi-faceted subject. It is an inescapable part of our lives and affects us on many different levels, most of which we’re not even conscious of until we take time to reflect upon it. While many consider it to be one of the last taboos in our culture, it is very important that we examine our beliefs, values and issues surrounding it.

Some interesting books and websites:
The Secret Meaning of Money: How it Binds Together Families in Love, Envy, Compassion, or Anger Cloe’ Madanes with Claudio Madanes, Jossey-Bass Publishers
The Psychology of Money http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/199503/the-psychology-money
Psychology of Money http://www.spring.org.uk/2008/04/psychology-of-money.php
Schwab Teens & Money 2007 Survey http://www.aboutschwab.com/teensurvey2007.pdf
The Merchants of Cool PBS Frontline video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gdzxc8Fpn3o&feature=related
Marketing Mania http://www.multinationalmonitor.org/mm2008/072008/index.html

Maureen R. Johnston is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a Certified Educational Therapist. She provides psychotherapy, parenting consultation, and psychoeducational evaluations to children, teens, and adults in her private practice in San Jose. She publishes an online newsletter Sense and Psychotherapy: Reflections from a Psychotherapist’s Perspective, feel free to contact her if you’d like to be on the mailing list. More information can be found at maureenjohston.com. She can be reached at 871-9180 or mj_therapist@yahoo.com.