(This article originally appeared in my newsletter Sense and Psychotherapy, Fall 1998)
I recently heard a piece on the radio describing a study of factors influencing longevity and health. One of the most important, yet little understood, factors appeared to be the presence or absence of friends. Seniors who were the healthiest and had the most positive attitude toward life were those who had a network of friends they confided in and shared activities with. Not surprisingly, the most depressed elderly generally felt the most isolated, and usually had the fewest social contacts.
As important as intimate relationships are, friendships seem to play at least as critical a role in our personal happiness and well-being throughout our lives. Its possible that one of the reasons women live longer than men is that women tend to establish and maintain not only more, but also more intimate, friendships than men do over the course of their lifetimes. As someone once commented, when a woman becomes a widow, she still has her friends to share her grief with, but when a man becomes a widower, he loses not only the love of his life, but often his one true friend and only real confidante.
Children often seem to make and maintain friendships with ease. Part of that is probably their natural openness, and part is probably opportunities presented by school. It can become increasingly difficult as we enter adulthood to find the time and the energy to maintain satisfying friendships, let alone create new ones. I’ve seen a pattern amongst my clients in their 20’s and 30’s who describe a sense of loss and loneliness, even when they are involved in satisfying intimate relationships. They miss old friends and can’t seem to make new ones, which may account for much of the nostalgia for high school and college days.
Although many of us are able to establish relationships with co-workers, oftentimes people report a lack of depth and connection in these relationships. While we may spend a great deal of time with co-workers, intimacy is incidental to the ‘business at hand’, and often ends at the close of the business day.
I wish there were an easy cure for finding or rediscovering friends. The answer I offer people is simple to explain, but difficult to accomplish. Friendships take time and work, and as we grow older we have less of the former and more of the latter. Making friends involves making contact when it may be easier to stand back. It requires the courage to risk rejection, confidence in your own self-worth, and a willingness to overlook differences and search for commonality. Although the risk may seem high, the potential benefits of making and nurturing friendships are great. As we experience both the joys and tribulations of life, having a real friend to turn to along the way makes the journey much richer and more fulfilling.
