(This originally appeared in my online newsletter, Sense and Psychotherapy, November 2010)
For many of us, this time of year brings a wide range of often conflicting emotions and feelings. Just as we’re adjusting to fewer daylight hours, the shift in time, and the changes in the weather, we’re bombarded with images of deliriously happy, beautiful families gathered for the holidays.
Unfortunately, these pictures of such apparently joyous, carefree people can have a negative impact on us. Very few of us look as good as what we’re seeing, or feel as happy as those portrayed in the pictures. Real life families are complicated and multilayered. Intimate relationships take work and are often messy.
Or sometimes, as I hear over and over again in my therapy room, the very people who are supposed to love and nurture us are really not that good for us to be around.
When we compare our own lives with what we see in the slick advertisements and made for TV specials, even those of us lucky enough to be in relatively healthy relationships can get disheartened. For those of us whose relationships are much more dysfunctional and painful, this comparison can contribute to our heading down a dark downward spiral that is difficult to get out of.
While we may not be able to avoid all the hype and the superficial images that surround us, there are a few simple things we can do to help inoculate us from some of their more toxic elements. As usual, the basic stress reduction strategies of getting enough sleep, eating well, and getting some exercise are always helpful.
Another thing we can do to feel better about our own life is to work to develop a more grateful attitude. Regardless of what is happening in your life, looking for what is good in it can reap real rewards. Recent research is demonstrating that there are significant benefits to cultivating feelings of gratitude. Dr. Robert Emmons, a researcher at the University of California at Davis has found that not just our physical and emotional health is improved, but also our relationships, energy level, and ability to deal with crisis all benefit when we take time to appreciate what we do have.
Although this sounds simple and even simplistic, it can be difficult to achieve. As Dr. Emmons says, gratitude is a “chosen attitude.” We need to make a conscious decision to look for and acknowledge what there is to be appreciated in our life.
As we all sit down for our dinner on Thanksgiving day, we may be able to be truly grateful for the family we are surrounded by. Or, we may have to look elsewhere for our gratitude. Wherever we are and however we spend the holiday, we will feel better if we can find something we appreciate.
Some strategies to help develop an attitude of gratitude, not just for Thanksgiving, but for our daily lives are….
Gratitude Journals – designate a particular notebook or computer file, and make a point at some time during each day to jot down at least one thing that you’re grateful for that day. One thing had to go well, even if all you can think of is that you didn’t get run over by a train. If you search through your day, you should be able to think of something that went well, or at least better than it could have.
Reflections – at the end of the day, maybe as you’re getting ready for bed, think about three things that happened that day that you appreciate.
Gratitude Lists – keep an ongoing list of people and things that you are grateful for.
Reverie of Appreciation – spend a few minutes just thinking about someone in your life, past or present, for whom you’re grateful.
Letters of Gratitude – write a letter to someone telling them how much they mean to you, ways they have helped you, what it has meant to you for them to have been a part of your life.
Want What You Already Have – try to look around yourself from a different perspective, appreciate the gifts you have been given, what has gone well, and realize there is a difference between ‘need’ and ‘want’.
One final note – I am fully aware of how difficult life can be, and I do not want to be one more person telling you that “you should be happy for what you got”, especially if you’ve been dealt a raw deal. But, if there’s a way to lighten the load we have to carry, I want to pass that information on.
I wish you the best this holiday season.
